Life has been... strange lately.  Everything and everyone changes so fast.  Situations change, people change, and, of course, I have changed.

This summer so far has been going very well.  I have seen Erika at least once a week, with the exception of this past week due to my living situation, and it's been amazing doing that.  Our relationship suffers during the summer usually due to distance, but we've figured it out.  We're doing really well, also.  No complaints.  She's simply the best.

I've also been getting to know my friends in a different way.  A lot of the time, it's all about the fun, the partying, the drinking, and the smoking.  But we've all matured, well maybe I shouldn't say all, in a sense where we don't actually have to do those things, and we can still have a fantastic time.  What am I talking about?  I have one friend in this area, but either way, I wouldn't trade her for the world because even though we do party our heads off, we still know when to be serious.  But it's just funny how that sense of maturity just happens.  I promise you I would be complaining about any other summer after High School because I wasn't partying enough, and didn't know what relaxing for a night at home meant.  Alas, it's a change well worth it.

School!  Well, I go to Marymount Manhattan College now down in Manhattan and I love it.  I couldn't be more happy.  Erika lives in the city, and spending semesters together is wonderful.  Not only do I love it there, but I did so well last semester as well.  So that situation worked out.  I'm going to be living on the Upper East Side (kind of) this upcoming semester, and I have just a year left of school until I graduate with my BA.

The biggest change in my life = moving to New Jersey.  The moving process has already started as of this past Saturday.  I don't know what to think or how to feel.  The house is breath taking, everything a family could really ever dream of... but the location... it just doesn't do it for me.  I felt so lonely already.  My family and I are back and forth from NJ and Carmel because the house in Carmel hasn't sold yet, so thank God for that I can just ease into the unfamiliar territory of NJ.  But, I don't know.  It's just very very frustrating.  I really can't wait to move out of my family's house in a year.  I am very happy for my family, however.  I'm glad they have the house of their dreams.  My brother couldn't be happier and that's all that matters, I suppose.

I want to go on vacation... to Texas.  Nobody will come with me lol  Oh well.

Since I haven't gotten any shut eye this past night, I'm going to try now.  I do have to look somewhat decent with Erika comes up today :)

Later, everyone!  Hope all is well!

myspace blogs have taken over the world.

I don't know.  I just like the song and it has absolutely no relativity to my life.

Just wanted to update... to express that everything's going quite well in my life :)

yay!

But it's taking over.


September is almost over, finally. I have dreaded this month with every bit of passion of hate for month that one can possibly have. Too much shit happened. It's probably all psychological, but psychologically speaking, I just can't wait until October.

Erika and I are doing better now, and I really hope it stays this way. I really love her a lot, and I know she loves me, but there's just too much going on in both of our lives and it was getting way too crazy. It was a crazy couple of weeks. But honestly, being with her on Saturday, and looking at her, there's absolutely no way that her and I can just be friends. There's too much love, too much sexual tension, and for that reason, it would just be a bad idea. And I don't want to lose her, and she doesn't want to lose me completely. Too many decisions, too many circumstances. She's amazing though. She's one of the most caring people in my life. I think she cares about me more than my Mother. I wish Erika and I could just spend our days together physically. We're so good that way. The distance really hurts. I'm just really lucky though that her and I have managed to keep it up this long... It truly is amazing. The love is amazing.

My health sucks right now. Which completely blows my mind because of my age. Alas... the best hope and wish to have, is the hope and wish to live.

So, Jimmy has just asked me what I think will happen in the next two years. Needless to say, I'm absolutely clueless. However, I did think about that last night, ironically.

My life in two years will hopefully consist of many things that I don't have currently. I'll be 22, hopefully done with school by then, moved out my house, although that one is doubtful considering how the economy does not hold well for people within these ages, and I want to be more mature... I want to know where my priorities stand, and I want them to be completely in check, because they sure as hell are not in place right now.

I think that the people in my right now, for the most part, will stay there. The select few such as Jessica, Danielle, and the other individuals that I hold dear to my heart. I think I'll have a steady job. I think I will be on the right track to setting up my life for the rest of it. I think Erika and I will still be together, with problems of course, but still sticking it out. But - I also think that by the time I'm 22, I will be mature enough to make her more important in my life, instead of my friends. Same goes for my family. They aren't really important to me right now, but I'm sure that by the time I'm 22, I will be able to appreciate them more, and actually tolerate them! lol

So, yes, I think this will happen, but who am I to say? Things could go completely different than what I expect, which most definitely tends to happen. Alas...

School SUCKS!!!!! "YAY" to the first day of classes lol

LATER! <3

September's here.... how fabulous.

So my mom's little world of denial has completely snapped. Too bad I'm the one that has to suffer for it. I just wish that sometimes, I could really make her realize that it's not her fault that I'm gay... I don't think she ever will. I guess this will be an ongoing thing for her and I.

I seriously have some of the most amazing friends... How did I ever become so lucky???

September is just about to approach. Yippity! Only not. Five years since 9/11, and only one since my uncle's death. September just really gets to me...

On a side note... just because I stay quiet, doesn't mean I'm stupid and completely oblivious to what goes on.

You know it's the end of summer when everyone's a depressed fuck (including myself).

How sad.

DMB Lyrics behind the cut... "Crush"

( Is this real, or am I dreaming? )

So much has seriously changed within this past summer. Some of it I like, some of it, I absolutely despise. Alas, change is inevitable.

Everything @ work used to be so amazing, and fun. Now, sometimes, it's just torture. It used to be care free... and such an amazing environment to just laugh, joke around, and not take anything too seriously. I guess all that changes when you get too close to everyone. And certain situations have definitely affected people's attitudes towards each other. It just sucks and I wish I could take all of it back. In one night, everything changed... and I'm not even exaggerating... it seriously was just one fucking night. Ever since then it was lies and bullshit, which shouldn't hurt unless you get too close, and I fucking did, and practically lost the most important people in my life because of it. This sounds so dramatic... so I'll stop.

Summer's ending. The weather is definitely not nice right now. Although, I do enjoy the rain :). It's just cold. Brr. I guess all I can really say about this past summer is that it was one of my least favorites.

Something else that's bothering me (yes this is not a happy post, SORRY!) is that whenever I make decisions, everyone's got some sort of problem with the decision I make. That's because people are selfish, I suppose. However, I don't think I can necessarily blame them for being selfish because I can be just as selfish by making the decisions I make.

Okay I think I realized what my actual dilemma is. It's work. I'm so torn on whether or not I should quit. I really like my job. And it's the kids that keep me there... and I guess the pay (but only somewhat). It's just the people I work with... should I let it get to me, or not? Of course, I'm leaving out a lot of background information here. I don't agree with half the things that go on... and I've got my own feelings towards people, some of which are absolutely negative. But I get bothered by them... and you know what? I can't necessarily blame the people I work with. My own atmosphere there is what I make it to be. It's just... different these days. And I don't like it.

My life is pretty sweet. I found out today that my prom date, yes, "Jesus", as many know him by, has gotten engaged. I'm still in a state of shock lol Interesting.

I saw Erika today for her birthday. It was a good time :) How I've missed her! I couldn't stop staring @ her face... I know, cheesy, but it's true.

I miss all the blogs I wrote on myspace. Yes, I have taken the extra step to delete it. The drama was just unnecessary.

Summer's almost done. Well, it pretty much is. Everyone has already gone back to school, which doesn't even apply to me because all my friends stay lol I can't wait to start school again, honestly. I need some sort of routine in my life, and a way to keep busy so that I don't get myself into any trouble. I sound like a dork. Alas.

Hopefully, tonight, I go to bed before 6AM :)

My mom is pissing me the fuck off. This whole move to New Jersey is pissing me off, too. I don't understand why I have to get shit from her for not wanting to move. Can you blame me? Yes, the house is absolutely beautiful, I must agree. But our house right now isn't bad. I understand that there are circumstances involved as to why we have to move, but I want nothing to do with it. Geez. I understand that my parents want the best for us... but what's considered the best to them, may not be to me, or my brother and sister. I just wish I had enough money to say fuck it all, and bounce, and be on my own. If I knew this would happen, I would have started saving up a long long time ago.

And my mom continuously keeps asking me to take off from work certain days. So, I ask her, "Will you give me the money that I'd make if I worked?" She answers, "no". I say, "Then don't expect me to take off" My mom doesn't give me money, and I need it. So, yeah, even though I don't work all the damn time, I still need to take what I can get...

UGHHHH

Sometimes, I wonder if I make the right decisions. I was put into an ackward situation (by my own doing) and I'm wondering if I made the right choice. I feel so bad about the decision I made, and I don't know if it's because it was the wrong one... I would feel worse, I think, by choosing something else. Sigh... fucking women, I swear.

This weekend kind of was okay. Friday night I chilled w/ some friends... but I didn't necessarily have the best time in the world. At a certain point I just wanted to leave, and that's when I realized that I may need some time away from people.

Saturday, Erika came to see me, and it was wonderful. I haven't seen her in such a long time. We had a great time, although everything that could go wrong, did. Oh well, it was great to see her face again.

And that's as far as my weekend goes. I slept it all away for the most part because I don't go to sleep til 6:00AM every night. I don't know how my body hasn't collapsed yet. Oh well.

I have a court date tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I got this speeding ticket sooo long ago. 89 in a 55. A year and a half ago almost. I'm scared lol Shit sucks, man.

How does someone change a part of their personality that's been with them for so long??? Is it possible? Is it worth it? I quote, once again, Sean Candella from like years ago... "If you have to change something about you for someone, they're not worth it..." I completely agree... but sometimes, isn't love sacrifice. Omagod, I'm so confused. I don't know how I'm supposed to change something I've been for so long all of a sudden.

Now I'm just rambling. The End :)

so a month has gone by and not a damn thing has changed.

except i'm done with school... yay!

ugh - i wish i could go to sleep because i hate being tired during the day. i was supposed to buy tylenol pm today but completely forgot.. ::sigh::

its 4/20 yayyy!!! lol happy 4/20 to all those who care.

two weeks left of the semester!! that's so exciting - i honestly hate this semester with every inch i have possible of hating.

i cant wait til this summer. it's going to rock - i feel it already :)

and yay for amazing weather tomorrow! woot!

goodnight, hopefully.

reading my last entryy... andd yeahh.

i wouldnt say my feelings for her have changed... @ all, actually. i just need to get my shit straightened out to appreciate her better, and treat her better. associating my name with the word single is very weird. i used to be so used to being single... sigh.

i hope i get my shit together soon... she's the greatest, too. she understands. she said she'll wait. she's an amazing best friend, and that's what i need right now... a best friend. and she's amazing @ doing that.

i can't wait til the best friends part is over lol

i can't wait til the semester is OVER! i think we have like... 3 weeks, including finals week. how hott is that shit?! too bad im doin so terrible in all my classes :(

i met lloyd banks yesterday

well. more like aladdin, but he looked like lloyd banks.

Be able to trust people is so hard, only because of the fact that no matter what, I find that whatever I've said in the past comes out in the open. Good thing adults are able to handle their shit differently than high schoolers, which I give madd props for. I'm completely satisfied w/ my 3 friends, and Erika. And my mom :) Cuz everyone else pretends, and lies, and im so happy i have learned. Im never opening the door from the past again, definitely not worth it. @ least it wasnt long :)

My head is pounding from bio lab today - I want to like fall asleep til tomorrow morning.

My bday is coming up, the "big" 20 hahaha right.

THE WEATHER IS AMAZING!

Erika and I talked about something that I can't get out of my mind, and I haven't been able to for about a week now. She mentioned the word "pact."

Way back in the day, 5, or 6 years ago, my best friend @ the time and I made a pact, and I remembered it at that very instant, almost word for word. 4/20, 2010, @ 24 years old. I believe the location was @ carmel movie theater, but that part I couldn't really remember. It struck me that 2010 is not that far away, and this person and I aren't even friends anymore. And since then, I've thought of nothing but this, and her. I hope she's doing well.

Moving On...

I smell like Cotton Candy. And it's driving me absolutely crazy lol

Sometimes, I wonder what I would do at this time of night if Law and Order SVU wasn't on.

but i freakin miss livejournal. myspace has completely become my LJ. shit i was reading my old LJ entries and i was like "aww"

anyway - yeah thats all. i miss LJ lol

my bday's in a month!!

anyway - i hate school w/ a royal passion currently. i cannot wait til Spring Break... THREE DAYS.