[.* she doesnt have a flame *.]

Three and a half years

2008-05-11T05:44:08Z

So, I know people think I'm lame and corny for acknowledging my monthly anniversaries. It's not like Erika and I actively celebrate each month, it's just that I notice when it is the 11th.

Well, today is our three and a half year anniversary. This is almost mind boggling for me. That's a really really long time, and it's amazing, because we still have that spunk. We still get nervous, excited, and giddy around each other. I still feel like when I kiss her, it's the first time. I still get nervous when she comes. I still ask her for her opinions of me. And she does the same. I always worried, and I'm sorry to say, complained that we would act like a married couple. But thinking about how long it has been, it's bound to happen. We are going to get comfortable with each other. I took that comfort level for granted. I love how we are. I love how she smiles at me before she goes to sleep as if she's never layed in my arms before. I love how she kisses me upon our meetings like it's the second or third date. I love how I grab her hand, but still get nervous about it before I do.

I just honestly can't believe how fast three and a half years can go. I remember the day I met her, the first kiss, the first date, the first i love you... and all the kisses, all the dates, and all the i love yous after that.

Simply amazing.

I have myself such a wonderful girlfriend. Thank you for these amazing 3.5 years, Erika. Thank you for being there, through all the changes, and for loving me through every single change.

You know what amazes me? How SO in love I still am...

It truly has been a long time, and I doubt I have any readers, but oh well...

2007-07-23T12:36:26Z

Life has been... strange lately. Everything and everyone changes so fast. Situations change, people change, and, of course, I have changed.

This summer so far has been going very well. I have seen Erika at least once a week, with the exception of this past week due to my living situation, and it's been amazing doing that. Our relationship suffers during the summer usually due to distance, but we've figured it out. We're doing really well, also. No complaints. She's simply the best.

I've also been getting to know my friends in a different way. A lot of the time, it's all about the fun, the partying, the drinking, and the smoking. But we've all matured, well maybe I shouldn't say all, in a sense where we don't actually have to do those things, and we can still have a fantastic time. What am I talking about? I have one friend in this area, but either way, I wouldn't trade her for the world because even though we do party our heads off, we still know when to be serious. But it's just funny how that sense of maturity just happens. I promise you I would be complaining about any other summer after High School because I wasn't partying enough, and didn't know what relaxing for a night at home meant. Alas, it's a change well worth it.

School! Well, I go to Marymount Manhattan College now down in Manhattan and I love it. I couldn't be more happy. Erika lives in the city, and spending semesters together is wonderful. Not only do I love it there, but I did so well last semester as well. So that situation worked out. I'm going to be living on the Upper East Side (kind of) this upcoming semester, and I have just a year left of school until I graduate with my BA.

The biggest change in my life = moving to New Jersey. The moving process has already started as of this past Saturday. I don't know what to think or how to feel. The house is breath taking, everything a family could really ever dream of... but the location... it just doesn't do it for me. I felt so lonely already. My family and I are back and forth from NJ and Carmel because the house in Carmel hasn't sold yet, so thank God for that I can just ease into the unfamiliar territory of NJ. But, I don't know. It's just very very frustrating. I really can't wait to move out of my family's house in a year. I am very happy for my family, however. I'm glad they have the house of their dreams. My brother couldn't be happier and that's all that matters, I suppose.

I want to go on vacation... to Texas. Nobody will come with me lol Oh well.

Since I haven't gotten any shut eye this past night, I'm going to try now. I do have to look somewhat decent with Erika comes up today :)

Later, everyone! Hope all is well!

wow...

2007-05-31T20:39:45Z

myspace blogs have taken over the world.

And I'm Addicted to your Punishment...

2006-11-16T21:17:51Z

I don't know. I just like the song and it has absolutely no relativity to my life.

Just wanted to update... to express that everything's going quite well in my life :)

yay!

Fear is only in our minds...

2006-09-25T15:30:55Z

But it's taking over.

September is almost over, finally. I have dreaded this month with every bit of passion of hate for month that one can possibly have. Too much shit happened. It's probably all psychological, but psychologically speaking, I just can't wait until October.

Erika and I are doing better now, and I really hope it stays this way. I really love her a lot, and I know she loves me, but there's just too much going on in both of our lives and it was getting way too crazy. It was a crazy couple of weeks. But honestly, being with her on Saturday, and looking at her, there's absolutely no way that her and I can just be friends. There's too much love, too much sexual tension, and for that reason, it would just be a bad idea. And I don't want to lose her, and she doesn't want to lose me completely. Too many decisions, too many circumstances. She's amazing though. She's one of the most caring people in my life. I think she cares about me more than my Mother. I wish Erika and I could just spend our days together physically. We're so good that way. The distance really hurts. I'm just really lucky though that her and I have managed to keep it up this long... It truly is amazing. The love is amazing.

My health sucks right now. Which completely blows my mind because of my age. Alas... the best hope and wish to have, is the hope and wish to live.

My life in two years...

2006-09-05T15:33:46Z

So, Jimmy has just asked me what I think will happen in the next two years. Needless to say, I'm absolutely clueless. However, I did think about that last night, ironically.

My life in two years will hopefully consist of many things that I don't have currently. I'll be 22, hopefully done with school by then, moved out my house, although that one is doubtful considering how the economy does not hold well for people within these ages, and I want to be more mature... I want to know where my priorities stand, and I want them to be completely in check, because they sure as hell are not in place right now.

I think that the people in my right now, for the most part, will stay there. The select few such as Jessica, Danielle, and the other individuals that I hold dear to my heart. I think I'll have a steady job. I think I will be on the right track to setting up my life for the rest of it. I think Erika and I will still be together, with problems of course, but still sticking it out. But - I also think that by the time I'm 22, I will be mature enough to make her more important in my life, instead of my friends. Same goes for my family. They aren't really important to me right now, but I'm sure that by the time I'm 22, I will be able to appreciate them more, and actually tolerate them! lol

So, yes, I think this will happen, but who am I to say? Things could go completely different than what I expect, which most definitely tends to happen. Alas...

School SUCKS!!!!! "YAY" to the first day of classes lol

LATER! <3

uhh yay?

2006-09-01T10:23:17Z

September's here.... how fabulous.

World of denial... snap!

2006-08-30T22:15:30Z

So my mom's little world of denial has completely snapped. Too bad I'm the one that has to suffer for it. I just wish that sometimes, I could really make her realize that it's not her fault that I'm gay... I don't think she ever will. I guess this will be an ongoing thing for her and I.

I seriously have some of the most amazing friends... How did I ever become so lucky???

September is just about to approach. Yippity! Only not. Five years since 9/11, and only one since my uncle's death. September just really gets to me...

On a side note... just because I stay quiet, doesn't mean I'm stupid and completely oblivious to what goes on.

You know it's the end of summer when everyone's a depressed fuck (including myself).

How sad.

is your name monkey fuckin a coconut sir?

2006-08-29T09:35:11Z

DMB Lyrics behind the cut... "Crush"

Oh, crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright,
love
You
crush me with the things you do
And I do for you
anything too, oh

Sitting, smoking feeling, high
And in this
moment, oh it feels so
right

Lovely lady, I am at your feet
God
I want you so badly,
oh
And I wonder this, could tomorrow be
So
wondrous as you there
sleeping?
Let's go drive 'till morning comes
And
watch the sunrise and
fill our souls up
Drink some wine 'till we get
drunk, yeah

It's crazy
I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is
round
And here I'm dancing on
the ground
Am I right side up or upside
down?
And is this real or am I
dreaming?

Lovely lady, let me drink
you please
Won't spill a drop, no,
I promise you
Lying under this
spell you cast on me
Each moment the more I
love you
Come on,
crush me, baby

It's crazy I'm thinking
Just
knowing that the world
is round
And here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am
I right side up or
upside down?
Is this real or am I dreaming?

Lovely
lady, I will
treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me, now ya
know
And
it's times like these, when my faith I feel
And I know just how I
love
you
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, crush

me
Baby

It's crazy I'm thinking, just as long as you're around

And
here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside
down?
To
each other we'll be facing
My love, By love
We'll beat
back the pain we've
found, you know it
I mean to tell you all the
things I've been thinking deep
inside my friend
With each moment the
more I want you
Come on, you know
you crush me…baby

So much you
have given love
That I would give you
back again and again
Oh you
know, meaning I'll hold you
But please, please
just let me always, always

I wonder if everything could ever be this good again.

2006-08-27T21:41:41Z

So much has seriously changed within this past summer. Some of it I like, some of it, I absolutely despise. Alas, change is inevitable.

Everything @ work used to be so amazing, and fun. Now, sometimes, it's just torture. It used to be care free... and such an amazing environment to just laugh, joke around, and not take anything too seriously. I guess all that changes when you get too close to everyone. And certain situations have definitely affected people's attitudes towards each other. It just sucks and I wish I could take all of it back. In one night, everything changed... and I'm not even exaggerating... it seriously was just one fucking night. Ever since then it was lies and bullshit, which shouldn't hurt unless you get too close, and I fucking did, and practically lost the most important people in my life because of it. This sounds so dramatic... so I'll stop.

Summer's ending. The weather is definitely not nice right now. Although, I do enjoy the rain :). It's just cold. Brr. I guess all I can really say about this past summer is that it was one of my least favorites.

Something else that's bothering me (yes this is not a happy post, SORRY!) is that whenever I make decisions, everyone's got some sort of problem with the decision I make. That's because people are selfish, I suppose. However, I don't think I can necessarily blame them for being selfish because I can be just as selfish by making the decisions I make.

Okay I think I realized what my actual dilemma is. It's work. I'm so torn on whether or not I should quit. I really like my job. And it's the kids that keep me there... and I guess the pay (but only somewhat). It's just the people I work with... should I let it get to me, or not? Of course, I'm leaving out a lot of background information here. I don't agree with half the things that go on... and I've got my own feelings towards people, some of which are absolutely negative. But I get bothered by them... and you know what? I can't necessarily blame the people I work with. My own atmosphere there is what I make it to be. It's just... different these days. And I don't like it.

now.

2006-08-25T05:58:16Z

My life is pretty sweet. I found out today that my prom date, yes, "Jesus", as many know him by, has gotten engaged. I'm still in a state of shock lol Interesting.

I saw Erika today for her birthday. It was a good time :) How I've missed her! I couldn't stop staring @ her face... I know, cheesy, but it's true.

I miss all the blogs I wrote on myspace. Yes, I have taken the extra step to delete it. The drama was just unnecessary.

Summer's almost done. Well, it pretty much is. Everyone has already gone back to school, which doesn't even apply to me because all my friends stay lol I can't wait to start school again, honestly. I need some sort of routine in my life, and a way to keep busy so that I don't get myself into any trouble. I sound like a dork. Alas.

Hopefully, tonight, I go to bed before 6AM :)

not a happy camper....

2006-06-21T20:09:42Z

My mom is pissing me the fuck off. This whole move to New Jersey is pissing me off, too. I don't understand why I have to get shit from her for not wanting to move. Can you blame me? Yes, the house is absolutely beautiful, I must agree. But our house right now isn't bad. I understand that there are circumstances involved as to why we have to move, but I want nothing to do with it. Geez. I understand that my parents want the best for us... but what's considered the best to them, may not be to me, or my brother and sister. I just wish I had enough money to say fuck it all, and bounce, and be on my own. If I knew this would happen, I would have started saving up a long long time ago.

And my mom continuously keeps asking me to take off from work certain days. So, I ask her, "Will you give me the money that I'd make if I worked?" She answers, "no". I say, "Then don't expect me to take off" My mom doesn't give me money, and I need it. So, yeah, even though I don't work all the damn time, I still need to take what I can get...

UGHHHH

Decisions.

2006-05-30T00:50:38Z

Sometimes, I wonder if I make the right decisions. I was put into an ackward situation (by my own doing) and I'm wondering if I made the right choice. I feel so bad about the decision I made, and I don't know if it's because it was the wrong one... I would feel worse, I think, by choosing something else. Sigh... fucking women, I swear.

This weekend kind of was okay. Friday night I chilled w/ some friends... but I didn't necessarily have the best time in the world. At a certain point I just wanted to leave, and that's when I realized that I may need some time away from people.

Saturday, Erika came to see me, and it was wonderful. I haven't seen her in such a long time. We had a great time, although everything that could go wrong, did. Oh well, it was great to see her face again.

And that's as far as my weekend goes. I slept it all away for the most part because I don't go to sleep til 6:00AM every night. I don't know how my body hasn't collapsed yet. Oh well.

I have a court date tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I got this speeding ticket sooo long ago. 89 in a 55. A year and a half ago almost. I'm scared lol Shit sucks, man.

How does someone change a part of their personality that's been with them for so long??? Is it possible? Is it worth it? I quote, once again, Sean Candella from like years ago... "If you have to change something about you for someone, they're not worth it..." I completely agree... but sometimes, isn't love sacrifice. Omagod, I'm so confused. I don't know how I'm supposed to change something I've been for so long all of a sudden.

Now I'm just rambling. The End :)

same-ness

2006-05-20T23:50:14Z

so a month has gone by and not a damn thing has changed.

except i'm done with school... yay!

insomnia.

2006-04-20T05:27:44Z

ugh - i wish i could go to sleep because i hate being tired during the day. i was supposed to buy tylenol pm today but completely forgot.. ::sigh::

its 4/20 yayyy!!! lol happy 4/20 to all those who care.

two weeks left of the semester!! that's so exciting - i honestly hate this semester with every inch i have possible of hating.

i cant wait til this summer. it's going to rock - i feel it already :)

and yay for amazing weather tomorrow! woot!

goodnight, hopefully.

changes.

2006-04-15T21:31:49Z

reading my last entryy... andd yeahh.

i wouldnt say my feelings for her have changed... @ all, actually. i just need to get my shit straightened out to appreciate her better, and treat her better. associating my name with the word single is very weird. i used to be so used to being single... sigh.

i hope i get my shit together soon... she's the greatest, too. she understands. she said she'll wait. she's an amazing best friend, and that's what i need right now... a best friend. and she's amazing @ doing that.

i can't wait til the best friends part is over lol

i can't wait til the semester is OVER! i think we have like... 3 weeks, including finals week. how hott is that shit?! too bad im doin so terrible in all my classes :(

i met lloyd banks yesterday

well. more like aladdin, but he looked like lloyd banks.

trust

2006-03-30T20:54:38Z

Be able to trust people is so hard, only because of the fact that no matter what, I find that whatever I've said in the past comes out in the open. Good thing adults are able to handle their shit differently than high schoolers, which I give madd props for. I'm completely satisfied w/ my 3 friends, and Erika. And my mom :) Cuz everyone else pretends, and lies, and im so happy i have learned. Im never opening the door from the past again, definitely not worth it. @ least it wasnt long :)

My head is pounding from bio lab today - I want to like fall asleep til tomorrow morning.

My bday is coming up, the "big" 20 hahaha right.

THE WEATHER IS AMAZING!

irrelevance.

2006-03-26T05:09:51Z

Erika and I talked about something that I can't get out of my mind, and I haven't been able to for about a week now. She mentioned the word "pact."

Way back in the day, 5, or 6 years ago, my best friend @ the time and I made a pact, and I remembered it at that very instant, almost word for word. 4/20, 2010, @ 24 years old. I believe the location was @ carmel movie theater, but that part I couldn't really remember. It struck me that 2010 is not that far away, and this person and I aren't even friends anymore. And since then, I've thought of nothing but this, and her. I hope she's doing well.

Moving On...

I smell like Cotton Candy. And it's driving me absolutely crazy lol

Sometimes, I wonder what I would do at this time of night if Law and Order SVU wasn't on.

call me a dork...

2006-03-25T05:22:23Z

but i freakin miss livejournal. myspace has completely become my LJ. shit i was reading my old LJ entries and i was like "aww"

anyway - yeah thats all. i miss LJ lol

i wish i was special, so fucking special

2006-03-08T16:53:23Z

my bday's in a month!!

anyway - i hate school w/ a royal passion currently. i cannot wait til Spring Break... THREE DAYS.

sigh.

2006-03-02T05:43:40Z

life has been quite difficult.

i want to drop out of school, i fucking hate it this semester. i dont see a single A coming this semester, and i hate all my classes. i dont want to care about school anymore.

work this saturday should be interesting... sigh.

i hope work isn't cancelled tomorrow due the snow. i wont get to see my wife!! :( lol its all good, theres always work on saturday.

i miss erika :( hopefully i get to see her soon.

tomorrow's my anniversary

2006-02-11T00:31:37Z

and i had to recount how long we've been 2gether lol i like that feeling.

anyway - i guess i'll actually update.

School's going well. WCC screwed me over :-\ I don't want to go back another semester boohoo. I took my first bio test this week, and passed with an 84. That's exciting considering I thought I didn't do as well as I did. My counselor says I can easily leave WCC with a 3.8, 3.85, which is now my goal. And it's realistic, considering I have a 3.6. Woot! My Childhood Psych teacher is freakin amazing. She's gorgeous, funny, and smart lol Human Sexuality with Berkowitz, well... its Berkowitz, so of course it's a great class. haha and my Speech Communications teacher is awesome, too. Three guaranteed A's right there, hopefully. Oh, and Health and Sports = bullshit class, so hopefully an A there as well, but considering it is so early in the semester, I can't exactly say. We shall see.

Work is work. I love how my Friday nights are absolutely shot to no man's land because of work the next morning. I have to wake up @ 6:45 in the AM tomorrow for work, which stinks majorly, but it's money, and I make a decent amount, so I'm happy. I just wish I'd get paid already. There's this whole fiasco. We got our checks in the mail, but there was no signature... duhhh when you make out a check, the most important part of it is a) the amount and b) the signaturee! I just can't wait to get paid already.

Things with Erika are going well. Like I said, our anniversary is tomorrow, and then Valentine's Day, and then I see her next week! Woot! I'm 100% happy with her... which is a great feeling. I'm trying not to be so difficult, and hard to please. I realized that I can't be that way unless I want to lose her.

Home... well, yeah. It's home. My Dad's home though :) The house is always happier when he's around. It sucks he's only around on the weekends, but we appreciate him more now.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about at all, and it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

anjjjj @ 2006-02-09T00:05:00

2006-02-09T05:05:46Z

so i just saw next weeks episode of the l word and it was sad :(
and great.

greatt weekend!

2006-01-29T21:15:06Z

So, due to Steph's birthday... I got to see RENT on broadway! How exciting! It was a good show, but it wasn't what I expected. I liked it though. I went with Steph (obviously), Erika, Jared, and Andrew! Woot! We had an awesome time in the city (too bad Andrew didn't stay :( ). Went to this cool bar. Had a 36 year old hit on me lol crazy man. Got pretty drunk, and it went away pretty fast (boo hoo). Got back to Erika's house @ around 5:30 in the morning... lol it was a great night i had a lot of fun.

Then yesterday, we just lazed around Erika's house... watched movies and slept lol And had starbucks woot!

Im so glad erika and i got to hang out w/ Steph and Jared... how i missed them so. Sigh.

Annnd @ MVille last night, I got to see AMINA!!! yayyy! I haven't seen her in like 6 months!! I miss her so much... it sucks. I want my best friend back lol Hopefully I see her more now that she's back home and not too far. And when I move, she'll be like... a half hour away from me! yay! lol

I MISS ERIKA!!!!

alone.

2006-01-23T16:31:48Z

So, as I sit here thinking about my life, I realize it's not bad at all. Except for the part that I realize that everyone's life is the same. Everyone makes of their life what they want it to be. But here's a thought. Everyone is alone in life. You can't be happy because of of someone, and you sure as hell can't be sad because of somebody. Yes, people help us with what we feel, but it is all about perception. I can't rely on my girlfriend to make me feel happy, if I, in fact, don't see my life as a happy one, or don't feel like being happy. So, isn't it unfair for one to say "I'm sad because this person did this..." or "I'm happy because she made me laugh..." No... you're happy and sad because you chose to be so. So in that case, that's how I see everyone's life as the same... Same choice. Do I be happy, or Do I be sad?

If only there was a manual on how to be happy... or how to have a happy perspective. how amazing would that be?

I'm terribly sad... sad about myself, sad about my relationships... sad about what ppl think of me. Sometimes I don't care...

but today, i do.